Fanmail or Junkmail?
by Waveblade
Summary: Barbas has been inundated with mail that isn't even for him. After the last painful incident,The Demon of Fear is on the hunt for it's true owner. This leads him into some rather strange stituations. Slight HP Crossover


Author: This story is the result of a writer's block remedy. The plot is rather strange but I hope you enjoy it. It's the longest thing I've ever written. It also stars Barbas! (although I don't know if that's a selling point or not)

Warnings:

- It contains coarse language and the f--- word is dropped a couple of times.

-It has a slight crossover with harry potter near the end. No characters mentioned though.

-There is also mentions of original world that was created by me. In the story there is a general explantion of the main points you need to know.

-Some characters may seem OOC especially the lead although I have never found a story that gets into his head.

**Fanmail or Junkmail? by Intelligent Fangirl**

**Disclaimer: **I own George, Ghrika, Chaikhas and the Sednai.

* * *

It was the third time this week that this had happened. And he was becoming rather annoyed.

Barbas scowled as he waded through the sea of stationary that had seemed to taken over the natural stone floor of his home. In the last few weeks he had been greeted to

Inexplicable showers of envelopes. At first, it had been a few and he had ignored them, thinking them to be summons from other demons of varying powers. Barbas' policy with the case of summons and in the like is the similar to the others held by a surprisingly large amount of people.

It runs like this; _"Treat them like suggestions until someone comes to your door and tries to drag you away" _there are some differences but these are of a fill-in-here nature.

Anyway, it was unusual for them (as in demons) to send letters. It was considered normal practise to contact another demon by sending an expendable underling to spread the news or in some cases, part of one. However, this is usually as reply. Nothing gets the message across clearly than detached limbs.

Over time the light showers had become inundations and because of this Barbas had become well accustomed to the humble household appliance- the broom. It was now a regular chore of the Demon of Fear to sweep the offending piles into a nearby lava pit.

Currently the letters came up to his knees. Glaring around him, Barbas summoned up a broom to combat the invading forces '_When I find the bastards that have been sending these letters I'll kill them and then revive them so I can kill them again'_ the demon thought, hoping that somewhere the culprits were currently feeling a lot of pain. "Right," he muttered "Prepare to be, swept away..." he then winced at the sheer atrocity of his pun. _'Note to self: Must stop punning and talking to paper stationary'_.

_**Twinkle Twinkle**_

The sound was entirely out-of-place in the grim and dark underworld. So when Barbas heard it inside his own lair, he became instantly wary. He looked left, right and center. Lastly, he looked up.

"Oh, Sh-" he screamed as raised his arms to cover his head. The rest of his exclamation cut off by the noise made by thousands of letters falling out of the ceiling.

Soon the avalanche of paper ceased and out of the much higher paper pile burst a black-clad arm, thus providing evidence against Barbas becoming the first demon to die of paper-cuts. Cursing in several languages he half-pulled himself out of the letter-pile. He was no longer annoyed. Barbas was now hovering between fucking-furious and homicidal rage. Alternatively, perhaps that is an exaggeration but by not much.

He contemplated several graphic and grisly ways he would have his revenge. Then a thought came to him. It burst through his rage like someone had thrown a bucket of ice water at him. Perhaps the letters were not from your ordinary evil being. Perhaps they were from down below- the more powerful demons tended to live deep down. However, he had seen others summoned by them before and they did not usually dispense with such niceties such as letters. In addition, they tended not to like being ignored. The Fear Demon knew that he would have been scorch mark on the floor long ago, if it had been one of _them_. Damn, if it had been him, he would have disposed of himself long ago.

So who the fuck was sending them?

_'I should have read at least one of them before it came to this' _Barbas berated himself. It seemed that his policy had backfired.

At first he had been only going to read one letter however, soon he had read several and was shaking his head slowly in amazement. _This_ was certainly different.

Firstly, the letters all appeared to have been written on parchment, using quills- something Barbas had not seen for years. All of them seemed to be from women of all ages and all of them said either he was 'cool', 'sexy' or 'I'd do you in a minute'. Understandably Barbas was confused, shocked and little scared. Some of those descriptions had been very detailed. A lot of them also appeared to being going on about his 'wonderful green eyes'. This just confused him more. He didn't even _have _green eyes.

Then it dawned on him. After being in the mortal world for a while the demon had discovered the phenomenon called 'pop-culture' and 'fan mail' was a big part of it. All these letters were fan mail. _'But who would send _**me** _fan mail? And _**why **_are they sending it anyway?' _these were the million dollar questions.

Barbas read the rest of the current letter that he was currently holding. At the very end was an answer to at least some of his questions. Despite of himself, Barbas grinned, he now had a way out this mess and he didn't just mean literally. Retrieving his broom, he had begun to dig his way out of the fan mail.

He had plans. And they were clever plans, unless they got him killed, _then_ they would be bloody stupid.

* * *

His plans brought him to the near center of enemy territory. The Halliwell Manor, the home of the Charmed Ones. Barbas was standing on the back-porch and wondered if what he was doing was rather stupid. In fact, he had been asking himself that question several times. However, the desire to be rid of the letters won over his instincts of self-preservation every time. Besides, the bag of letters was getting heavy.

The relationship between the Charmed Ones and The Demon of Fear had been hostile at best. It had not been helped by Barbas trying to kill them every once in while or vice versa. Neither by the fact that recently Barbas had got Phoebe's powers revoked by the Tribunal. Of course, he had been hoping for the entire magical trio to lose all their powers but he was taking it one-step at a time. Demons, whitelighters and witches alike had often pondered why Barbas had such a fixation on the Halliwell sisters. In reality, Barbas was a perfectionist. The first time he had tangled with the girls, he hadn't even known how special they were. He had just thought they were witches. Nevertheless, they had gotten away from him every time. That can be a real downer on anyone's ego.

They had also been ultimately responsible for making him share his purgatory 'cell' with a demon whose reason for being there was because he had annoyed everyone else in the Underworld. For those months of mental torture, he wanted revenge.

Barbas had not teleported straight inside because he wanted to see if anyone was home before he made his move, he wanted to make it as quick and non-confrontational as possible. It seemed quiet. In a roar of flames, demon and bag disappeared.

And reappeared within the Halliwell Stronghold.

The demon looked fugitively around, '_Now where to leave the package?' _he pondered. This part of the plan had been rather vague. He decided to dump the bag in the hallway and that would have been the end of it except for the knock on the door. Stiffening Barbas slowly turned his head and swore. If he had been anywhere else, he could have just teleported away. Unfortunately, the visitor had probably heard him dragging the bag and seen his vague outline through the window.

He slowly unlocked the door and peeked around it was met by a fast-talking traveling sales man who started his sales pitch immediately. "Hi! I'm George from Ezybuy Enterprises and would like interest you in some of our products."

Unused to such confrontations Barbas was slow off the mark and as a result, George had already stuck his shoe in the crack "No," Barbas muttered as he tried to shut the door. Repeatedly, scuffing the man's boot.

George's smile wavered slightly. Usually when he did the whole door-crack thing, the customer would be forced to open the door all the way. Even those who tried to shut the door on him eventually felt obliged to open the door to remove his shoe. However, this guy was different; he didn't seem to care about bruising George's foot and he was dressed funny- decked out totally in black. Nevertheless, George persevered and began to tell him about the wonderful qualities of the Dicer-Spicer.

_'Is this mortal trying to hypnotise me? _Barbas wondered as his eyes glazed over, _'He doesn't seem to have any magic. How can humans stand people that come to your doors and try to hawk you things when you clearly want them to go away?'_ He was in a dilemma. He couldn't kill the human using his powers- The Cleaners would come after him. But he couldn't simply snap his neck- It would become highly publicised, a salesman found dead in front of a suburban house, in broad daylight. The media would have field day, magic would be revealed and _then _The Cleaners would come after him.

_'Wait a second, maybe I can use my powers to get rid of this idiot.' _The Demon of Fear reached into George's mind and found his fear of competition. Barbas didn't even need to use a fraction of his power- he wasn't trying to kill him, he just wanted to be left alone. Barbas whispered into the mortal's mind _Look behind you, the guys from the bathroom sector are trying to steal your customers. You really should go get a sale before they do_.

George turned around suddenly and his eyes widened. Where did they come from? They were in his territory! "Thank you for your time!" he yelled over his over his shoulder as he ran away.

_'And that is that'_ Barbas thought. But Lady Unlucky hadn't finish with him.

He wasn't the only person in the house. At least now.

He could see the distinct sparkles of orbing appear in the air near him.

'_Oh. Crap'_

Thinking quickly or not thinking at all, depending on how you look at it, Barbas grabbed the bag and teleported. But his flames touched the orb-sparkles and that knock them both off-course.

Fortunately, they were not knocked far off-course. Sadly, for Barbas, this meant three annoyed witches and their whitelighter now surrounded him.

"This is much unexpected. When you try kill us Barbas, you're generally more stylish with how you go about it," Piper was pissed off, she was sick of demons attacking them in her own house. It had been a good week, the demon front had been quiet and the house had been left alone.

Now one of their most dangerous or at least persistent enemies had decided to show up "Are you lowering your standards or just getting lazy?"

"Sorry witch but I'm not here to give your short existence meaning," He gestured to his bag "I'm here to drop off a package."

Paige snorted at ludicrousness of this statement "Yeah right, so what's _really_ in the sack? Gremlins?"

Barbas looked shortly nonplused "...Gremlins?"

"You know gremlins, like in that movie where you can't feed them after midnight because if you do they turn into monsters," the room was silent.

"Ok..."

"You really think we'll believe that you haven't come here to kill us? Come on, let's just vanquish the bastard and get it over and done with." Phoebe said looking at the demon with distaste.

Growling, Barbas raked his hands through his graying hair irritably. The bit-_witches _were unbelievable. He had made no hostile gestures against them and they were already planning his demise. He had even told them the truth straight up and they had laughed in his face. But the demon was conveniently forgetting that he would do they same thing.

"You...I hesitate to say _females_ are amazing. You think everything that anyone does is your business. That the world revolves around you. However, it doesn't, I'm sorry to say and this doesn't have anything to do with you. _So Shut UP!"_

The sisters exchanged glances. This was new, sure they had seen Barbas annoyed before and normally because of something, they did. But they never knew, well, how much of a bitch he could be.

"But..." Barbas stopped muttering and looked thoughtful as he looked at the fourth member of the Halliwell group "It _does_ have something to do with you." Chris, whitelighter and yet-to-be-born had stayed out of the feud and was surprised when the demon mentioned him. He had only seen Barbas once-at the tribunal and had been glad with not speaking with him. Now Barbas had seeked him out.

"Um...what do you mean?"

Although he was much taller than the demon and could send him flying across the room with one sweep of his arm, he could feel the power radiating towards him. Not just luck had helped Barbas survive. If Chris had a choice, he did not want to meet Barbas in a dark alley, in fact anywhere without a whole retinue of magic as back up.

Slightly staggering under the weight he managed to carry the mailbag and dump it at Chris' feet. "These are yours, I think," Barbas seemed to look at the ceiling for inspiration "And I'm glad for you to have them, I think you'll find them very interesting," he grinned suddenly, revealing twisted yellow teeth, as if a thought had come to him.

"Have fun and goodbye," he bowed mockingly to the sisters and disappeared in sudden bloom of flame.

"Um, that was odd," Paige commented as they watched Chris slowly open the bag. "I think its official, Barbas is crazy,"

"Letters?" Chris said unexpectedly drawing out a handful, "You have any idea what this is about?"

His mother and aunts shook their heads.

* * *

Back in his lair, Barbas sighed with relief. He had finally got rid of his letters and it appeared no more had come. But he still wanted to know how he got the letters instead of the Halliwell boy and why there was people sending fan mail to whitelighters in the first place. '_I will-_ 'Barbas averred '-_get to the bottom of this_'

* * *

In another place entirely, a frustrated shriek was heard. This place is not in any actual universe but it exists in between the bubbles of different cosmoses. The area between is the home of the Sednai. Looking similar to elves with their pointed ears and small frames but dissimilar because their ears are longer and Sednai become rather aggressive when mistaken for elves. It is said that they once lived in an actual universe but had soon spread across the multiverse with the aid of advance teleportation devices. Now they made their home in the Between or _Chaikhas_ which meant dimension roads in their own language.

They had made it their task to make sure the portals between various universes were maintained and that the flow of people and so on was uninterrupted by sudden shifts in realities or trans-dimensional monsters and the like.

The scream had been issued from one Ghrika Seraak, a Sednai specifically responsible for the workability of what had been dubbed the "mailing network" between the MH34 and MM93 universes. She was relatively new at her job and was therefore horrified to find there had been a major error in the network for at least a couple of weeks and she hadn't noticed it. Personally, she thought it was a trivial reason to have this network running. Now she had a problem and the higher up would have her ears if it weren't fixed.

As she feverishly went to work, she recalled the story behind her network.

* * *

In the MH34 universe, there are two kinds of people- witches and wizards and muggles. The witches and wizards had kept their society secret from the larger population of muggles or non-magic folk as they are commonly known. But that doesn't stop the magic-people being intensely interested in how muggles make up for a lack of magic.

In the recent years, wizards had developed a scrying ball that could also show programs from muggle television. It started a revolution. One of the most popular muggles shows was a show about magic called _Charmed_ at first it had been considered an amusement- showing how wrong muggles were, when it came to magic. But it soon gathered a more serious fanbase, especially among witches young and old.

Then a character called Christopher arrived on the scene and the fans went wild. They started writing fan mail immediately to Chris but then came the problem. Some of the magic-folk had got their wires crossed when it came to the new scrying balls- believing it was real and wanted to send their thoughts to Chris not the actor that played him.

The letters were spelled so they would automatically be sent to whom they meant. Unfortunately, the letters could not be sent because the receiver could not be found. Until the Sednai stepped in. The world of _Charmed_ was made up but at the same, it was real. The Sednai had found it amusing that in their respective universes the other was fictional, so they had created a special portal that would send the mail to Christopher Halliwell with minimal fuss.

It appeared that that had not happened.

* * *

"_There_," Ghrika muttered as she looked deep into the working of the small _Chaikha _and adjusted it where it was needed. Now it would work. Probably.

Ghrika thought about who had been getting the letters before. "It's doubtless that it drove them mad," she said out loud "Perhaps I should write an apology, maybe also a warning for Mr. Halliwell before he gets the letters." Ghrika often talked to herself.

She still thought that the Mailing Network when used for anonymous fan mail was a bad idea.

* * *

"Can you hear that?"

"What Chris?"

Chris looked up from his letters. He had been stunned to find it was all fan mail. He was relieved to find that none were from Barbas. "It's a rustling sound, kind of like paper."

* * *

"No not again!"

Barbas snarled at the letter that had fallen out of the roof. He considered burning it instead of before reading it but then he remembered all the trouble that had come from not reading his letters. The demon ripped open the envelope and unfolded it.

Instead of being greeted by gushing poems towards his eyebrows, he read a brief letter of apology.

_To whomever that has been receiving the unexplained letters,_

_Many apologies for any discomfort or confusion that may have been caused. The letters have been redirected to the intended recipient. There was a fault in 'Mailing Network' that sent mail from another universe to yours to the wrong person which has now been fixed._

_Sincerely,_

_Ghrika Seraak-_

_Engineer of the Mailing Networks for the M-sector universes_

_-Chaikhas_

Barbas stared at the letter for a long time. It answered many questions but brought up even more than before. But it had been a long day and he was buggered.

While he contemplated, a flash of light appeared beside him and out of it appeared a rather servile looking demon that whimpered that so and so would love to make his acquaintance.

The Demon of Fear absentmindedly pushed the underling into the lava pit.

He sighed. It was back to the old junk mail.


End file.
